Today is my Tita Myriam's 2-year death anniversary. Tita is the Filipino word for "aunt". She's really just a family friend but we considered her family. She was one of the people that helped us out when we first arrived to Canada. I had the privilege of knowing her for 13 years (we've been in Canada for almost 15 years - our anniversary is on Oct. 16th - I think?) before she passed away. And today, my Tita Diane (the younger sister of Tita Myriam) held a reception at her house.
The day started with attending a mass dedicated for Tita Myriam. Family and family friends attended, but this time it was a smaller group. Afterwards, my mom, Nanay (Tita Myriam's mother) and myself visited her grave at Glen Oaks in Oakville. At this time it was pouring so it was a little difficult just walking through the soaked grass. But luckily her site was close by so we didn't have to walk very far from the car either. We said our hellos and prayers and offered flowers. I still cannot believe that it has been two years since my aunt passed away from cancer. I still feel like she's still alive and we just haven't seen her for a little while. I still feel her presence whenever I see her immediate family and it's great warmth to know that she did leave a legacy to her family. She might night have been famous for anything, but she's famous to me because of her kindness, open heart and awesome food she always had at her house. LOL
We proceeded back to Tita Diane's house to get some lunch. She and her family prepared A LOT of Filipino and some Chinese food. It was great seeing old familiar faces and knowing that they are all getting older. Ate Rosalie (eldest daughter of Tita Myriam) is pregnant and is due in 5 weeks. ("Ate" pronounced Ah Teh - is a title we give to anyone that is a little older than yourself which you consider an older sister). I am so happy her family is growing beautifully and I hope to have a family just as happy as hers. We got to talking about boyfriends and her experience with her husband who was her only lover as well. She and my mom were able to converse on that and I just enjoyed listening to them. I briefly told her that my relationship ended because things just didn't work out between Josh and I. And of course, Ate Rosalie told me that there are plenty of fish out in the sea.
When I was with Mac, I was happy with him but there was also that part of me that was curious if there was more out there as well. Was I supposed to just end up with one guy and that's it? Before Mac, I never really dated much except for a couple of dates and that was fine. But I also wanted to see if I am capable of connecting to someone else besides Mac. I really shouldn't be writing this all out but this is my way of venting it all out because when I converse with my close friends I forget to mention certain points and I focus on the negative. I focus on his faults and why it didn't work. I think there's more to it than that. I really think Mac and I never really connected the way I had hoped for. I understood his pain and frustration in life and we connected in that aspect with our cheesy jokes, and that's where it just stopped. We never really moved beyond that. And that is where I got more and more frustrated. I always had this notion that relationships are about two people growing TOGETHER. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually developing together. That doesn't mean it's at the same pace and amount. But at least some form of growth together. It's like I was paddling with my boat and I had to drag Mac with me. He remains stagnant and puts very little effort into paddling our boats together. That was wearing me thin emotionally. It didn't help that we both don't have the same religious belief. Which to be honest, I was fine initially because I knew he did believe in A God. However, it's like we didn't see eye to eye of what God provides for us. He sees God as the enemy and I was the opposite. His family was another problem that just disappointed me. Every time I came up to visit Josh I obviously would see his family. I always get excited because a family is a way to knowing Josh's past. But with his family, communication and love doesn't seem to exist at all. This is totally opposite to what I have at home. I always felt out of place and unwelcoming whenever I came over. I don't and never asked much from his family except for a little respect, in which I didn't even receive. It scared me that if I ever married Mac I would marry the family too. I had always wanted an extended family. I am Filipino, of course it's in our culture to have large families. I like seeing people, I like keeping in touch with people and I also like to build a relationship with other families.
I need to cut this rant short for now because I could go on some more if I don't stop. The bottom line is, we were growing apart and we were starting to become two different people that were not growing together. I loved him and I still care for him. I still would like to be friends with him. But I have this gut feeling we won't get back together anymore. I believe he will eventually meet someone else as well and he will be happy with her. He taught me how to love and not to feel afraid of becoming emotionally vulnerable, and he will always have a place in my heart.
I am going to continue with this journey of finding myself in this world and find that "soulmate" that I believe I am meant to be with...
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